Friday, March 25, 2016

One step forward, a million more back... (or at least that's what it feels like)...


So... the meal planning and regular workout thing didn't get off to a great start... and basically stopped. My newer psychiatrist has put me on a different med (which I won't mention because I really really HATE being on this crap but when things get as out of hand as they did for me I had no choice other than to just kill myself, which I'm not quite ready for yet thank you very much) which also means less medication since the last one had me on lots of 2 different ones that made me feel like absolute shit... so I am starting to feel better. I've basically quit smoking, and maybe the cloves were acting like a muscle relaxer... because I hurt all over. I've had maybe a total of one clove since after new years, and I'm ok with that... just really do hurt all over.
And that brings me to the not working out crap.
Yeah, I know, if I exercised and got my yoga on regularly I would feel so much better all around. Problem... I ache... almost all the time something on me hurts like hell. Therapist says it's the depression trying to sabotage me. Well, it's doing a damn good job because this shit is ridiculous. I feel like shit, I keep missing work, have forgotten what a full paycheck looks like... And these medical bills! Yes, I have insurance... and it's good insurance! But still... these damned medical bills. All I want is to be able to live a normal life... or as normal as it can get for me. I'd work 3 or more jobs if I could... even go back to school (I actually really love to learn and am usually good at the school thing if other factors... like bs... don't get in the way) for a million different things... but no. I've even borrowed a cane from my grandfather for really bad days... yeah. Fun Times.
At least I've finally narrowed down something else causing major issues for me: yeast allergy. Yes, yet another food allergy but this one isn't fixed from just being vegan. And that stuff is in about everything. With summer coming up, maybe it is time for me to go raw...
Oh! And all of the pollen! I know it's needed but wtf... And don't tell me to do the local honey thing. No. I'm not one of the vegans that eats honey... ew. Just no. I do have a choice there. Plus I'm doing my allergy shots from home... just have to wait for the next day I don't feel like there's a constant fog in my chest...
So I broke down and started a go fund me ( to help pay medical bills, some household bills that I've gotten behind on, and a few other necessities in life... right now I would almost love to being able to go back to living off those cheap ass packets of ramen, the oriental is even on the "accidentally vegan" list. Or maybe I'm lucky that my body refuses to accept the non-food food stuffs other Americans love so much and think is ok...
Anyway, I understand that not everyone is able to donate or, if they are able to, would even want to. You know what? That's ok. I started it for those that do want to and can. The donations I've already gotten shocked the shit out of me, and even brought some tears to my eyes... I'm super thankful and hope to be able to repay the good deed some day. I do still have things posted on my Facebook for sale and am hoping to get back into crafting when I'm feeling better... inspiration has been coming back to me although I could really use a proper muse right now...

I finally posted a new video to my youtube tonight. I'm still getting the hang of things, but am hoping to post a lot more about my journey in this life and so on. Yes, I'm slowly but surely dreading my hair. No, your opinion on it isn't needed. This learning to love myself stuff is pretty cool.
I'm also hoping to start on my gardening stuff this weekend, if allergies allow I may even get to play outside in the dirt for a bit. Definitely dig playing in the dirt (pun intended).

Sidenote: To a certain someone who won't respond to any of my messages, I think I know why and that's pretty sucky but I get it... I know how you are... I really just wanted to make sure you are ok and I hope you are happy, etc, and if you need a friend -just a friend- I am totally here for you to the best of my ability. Things may have gone rough with us, but I do still care and wish nothing but the best for you.
To another certain someone that I have a feeling my name has been on the tongue of again; Fuck off. Seriously. Just... fuck off.  Kthnksbye  <3

Before I actually do turn this off and get to bed, I am looking for a new hobby... not quite sure what it should be. Playing with fire? Learning to play the sitar? Glass cutting? Guess we shall see!

Kalifornia is reminding me that it's past our bedtime, so I better go...
Sleep well, dear friends. I guess the rest of you can just sleep ok, ok? K. ;)

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