Saturday, October 24, 2015

I know I don't post here much...'

And I know that I keep making promises that I have all intentions at the time of making them, anyway, to start updating this blog. If not to you guys, to myself.
And I totally fail.
Throughout the day I get random thoughts on blogs I could post, titles and subjects and sometimes even most of what the content would be...
Those thoughts never make their way here....
I used to even keep a list...

So, here's what's been going on in my life over the past year. Some may think I am being too blunt, too honest, too forthcoming even.... but I don't care. This is my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it.

As always, I am Rogue Vegan.

Yet another relationship ended with the guy telling me that he hadn't even really wanted to be with me the last few months we were together (at least I wasn't living with this one). In reality, we weren't that compatible in many ways but I chose to ignore it and believe him when he said everything was ok. Before we even started dating, I felt the depression coming back but chose to push that down, too, and try to ignore the truth I knew so well. Needless to say, the breakup wasn't the most pleasant experience of my life. But it made me face the biggest fact of my life: I need help. I cannot do this on my own and needed professional help.
Yes, I'm now in therapy. Yes, I'm on medication (and am still working with a psychiatrist to find what will really work to help with my anxiety and depression). Yes, I still feel the want to die at least once a day, have since I was a child so it's always kinda there, but doesn't mean I'm going to do it... although some days I do still really want to. No, I haven't been able to turn to yoga, meditation, and raw/clean vegan eating to help me.... it's difficult to do that when you can't even get off the couch (don't worry, still vegan).
I'm taking things day by day. It's all anyone in my position can really do, anyway. This is a fairly lonely path I'm taking, and I don't really mind taking it on my own... done so for so long. I'm not really alone, though people I thought were my friends... well... aren't. I do have a couple of good ones out there... but still... I need to crawl into my cave, alone, to feel safe again from time to time. I no longer have the patience or tolerance for the false friendships, empty compliments, lies, and other negativity... so many are so easy to drop the term best friend all over the place... well, you can stop calling me that. I'm not that stupid and it kinda pisses me off that you think I am.

And anyway, I am Rogue Vegan. I can do this. What other choice do I have?

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