Hello, loves!

This year has been.... well, not good crazy. With the passing of my grandparents and my little Carli, a big part of me just wants to completely give up.... and a part of me has. But that's part of life,  I guess.

I'm trying my hand at making things again, this time starting with tie dyeing shirts and whatever I find that wants some color.  I still have my candle making stuff,  and some jewelry making stuff. My plan is to fill my etsy shop back up and sell stuff to raise money to get back on my feet. 
See, the chronic pain has gotten worse... and it's not hissy my sinuses this time.  My whole body aches, or parts of it ache so bad it goes throughout the rest of me,  most of the time now.
My mother is helping me get started on doctors appointments,  etc. These things take time,  though,  and I'm just so tired of all this pain..

On the bright side, Kalifornia and the kitties are doing fine.  Also,  I have a bit of a plan.  There's an online plant based nutrition certification course that I want to take. Not only do I want the knowledge,  but it will give me a chance to see if I really do want to go back to school online.  I need to do something,  and this seems like a good start.

So there's my update. Hoping to get to post more regularly,  but I've said that before....lol.

Day 3 of 2018

"If I could be anything other than human, I'd be the water in your bath..."

For those that know me, you already know this. Others, maybe not. I have been a fan of Prince's art since I can remember... I love his music, his movies, his attitude, etc.
And now he's gone.
I never really wanted to meet him in person, I'd like to keep my idea of what he's like intact. But still... he's gone.
He taught us that men didn't have to be all macho and butch to be sexy, that anyone can be sexy, and that it's a good idea to always be true to one's self. Oh, and we can't forget his song about being vegan.
That's right.
VEGAN.
"No member of the Animal Kingdom nurses past maturity"
You can't get any more true than that!
The song is called Animal Kingdom, by the way. He even gifted it to PETA.
So not only have we lost one of the brightest lights in our lifetime, a true artistic genius, but one of our own kind... a fellow vegan.
There was this one lady on Facebook commenting on all the responses to vegan posts asking if he was really vegan... saying he wasn't, isn't true, etc. I blocked her right off the bat. Don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
No one does.

Anyway, he's gone and I still don't really believe it. Maybe next weekend I will be ready for the music and movie binging. Under the Cherry Moon is my fave movie, after all...

Below is a pic I know many of us relate to, and love.

My heart goes out to you all, and I feel the love that's headed towards me.

One step forward, a million more back... (or at least that's what it feels like)...

Sigh

So... the meal planning and regular workout thing didn't get off to a great start... and basically stopped. My newer psychiatrist has put me on a different med (which I won't mention because I really really HATE being on this crap but when things get as out of hand as they did for me I had no choice other than to just kill myself, which I'm not quite ready for yet thank you very much) which also means less medication since the last one had me on lots of 2 different ones that made me feel like absolute shit... so I am starting to feel better. I've basically quit smoking, and maybe the cloves were acting like a muscle relaxer... because I hurt all over. I've had maybe a total of one clove since after new years, and I'm ok with that... just really do hurt all over.
And that brings me to the not working out crap.
Yeah, I know, if I exercised and got my yoga on regularly I would feel so much better all around. Problem... I ache... almost all the time something on me hurts like hell. Therapist says it's the depression trying to sabotage me. Well, it's doing a damn good job because this shit is ridiculous. I feel like shit, I keep missing work, have forgotten what a full paycheck looks like... And these medical bills! Yes, I have insurance... and it's good insurance! But still... these damned medical bills. All I want is to be able to live a normal life... or as normal as it can get for me. I'd work 3 or more jobs if I could... even go back to school (I actually really love to learn and am usually good at the school thing if other factors... like bs... don't get in the way) for a million different things... but no. I've even borrowed a cane from my grandfather for really bad days... yeah. Fun Times.
At least I've finally narrowed down something else causing major issues for me: yeast allergy. Yes, yet another food allergy but this one isn't fixed from just being vegan. And that stuff is in about everything. With summer coming up, maybe it is time for me to go raw...
Oh! And all of the pollen! I know it's needed but wtf... And don't tell me to do the local honey thing. No. I'm not one of the vegans that eats honey... ew. Just no. I do have a choice there. Plus I'm doing my allergy shots from home... just have to wait for the next day I don't feel like there's a constant fog in my chest...
Ugh.
So I broke down and started a go fund me (gofund.me/krismedfund) to help pay medical bills, some household bills that I've gotten behind on, and a few other necessities in life... right now I would almost love to being able to go back to living off those cheap ass packets of ramen, the oriental is even on the "accidentally vegan" list. Or maybe I'm lucky that my body refuses to accept the non-food food stuffs other Americans love so much and think is ok...
Anyway, I understand that not everyone is able to donate or, if they are able to, would even want to. You know what? That's ok. I started it for those that do want to and can. The donations I've already gotten shocked the shit out of me, and even brought some tears to my eyes... I'm super thankful and hope to be able to repay the good deed some day. I do still have things posted on my Facebook for sale and am hoping to get back into crafting when I'm feeling better... inspiration has been coming back to me although I could really use a proper muse right now...


I finally posted a new video to my youtube tonight. I'm still getting the hang of things, but am hoping to post a lot more about my journey in this life and so on. Yes, I'm slowly but surely dreading my hair. No, your opinion on it isn't needed. This learning to love myself stuff is pretty cool.
I'm also hoping to start on my gardening stuff this weekend, if allergies allow I may even get to play outside in the dirt for a bit. Definitely dig playing in the dirt (pun intended).

Sidenote: To a certain someone who won't respond to any of my messages, I think I know why and that's pretty sucky but I get it... I know how you are... I really just wanted to make sure you are ok and I hope you are happy, etc, and if you need a friend -just a friend- I am totally here for you to the best of my ability. Things may have gone rough with us, but I do still care and wish nothing but the best for you.
To another certain someone that I have a feeling my name has been on the tongue of again; Fuck off. Seriously. Just... fuck off.  Kthnksbye  <3


Before I actually do turn this off and get to bed, I am looking for a new hobby... not quite sure what it should be. Playing with fire? Learning to play the sitar? Glass cutting? Guess we shall see!

Kalifornia is reminding me that it's past our bedtime, so I better go...
Sleep well, dear friends. I guess the rest of you can just sleep ok, ok? K. ;)

And my next step is....

I have begun working with a coach to get my health and wellness back on track. My tiredness/laziness isn't going anywhere... and neither is this weight I've gained. I need better habits in my eating patterns, exercising.... and life all around if I want to truly feel and do better, inside and out.
And my therapist agrees it's a good idea.
Yes, I've become someone who talks about her therapist.

I have an eating plan to follow, a workout routine on a calendar with the matching DVD... and next.... budgeting my money.

No more barely treading water for me... no more one step ahead, 2 steps back and on my ass....

I'm doing this for myself, first off,  and my dogs... and those who don't just pretend to give a rat's ass about me.
I have to be able to take care of myself before I can truly help anyone else.... and that's only if I decide to go back to actually helping others.... and not having anyone else I have to depend on sounds pretty good to me.

My time, it's my turn.... and I definitely need my dogs there by my side :)

I know I don't post here much...'

And I know that I keep making promises that I have all intentions at the time of making them, anyway, to start updating this blog. If not to you guys, to myself.
And I totally fail.
Throughout the day I get random thoughts on blogs I could post, titles and subjects and sometimes even most of what the content would be...
Those thoughts never make their way here....
I used to even keep a list...

So, here's what's been going on in my life over the past year. Some may think I am being too blunt, too honest, too forthcoming even.... but I don't care. This is my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it.

As always, I am Rogue Vegan.

Yet another relationship ended with the guy telling me that he hadn't even really wanted to be with me the last few months we were together (at least I wasn't living with this one). In reality, we weren't that compatible in many ways but I chose to ignore it and believe him when he said everything was ok. Before we even started dating, I felt the depression coming back but chose to push that down, too, and try to ignore the truth I knew so well. Needless to say, the breakup wasn't the most pleasant experience of my life. But it made me face the biggest fact of my life: I need help. I cannot do this on my own and needed professional help.
Yes, I'm now in therapy. Yes, I'm on medication (and am still working with a psychiatrist to find what will really work to help with my anxiety and depression). Yes, I still feel the want to die at least once a day, have since I was a child so it's always kinda there, but doesn't mean I'm going to do it... although some days I do still really want to. No, I haven't been able to turn to yoga, meditation, and raw/clean vegan eating to help me.... it's difficult to do that when you can't even get off the couch (don't worry, still vegan).
I'm taking things day by day. It's all anyone in my position can really do, anyway. This is a fairly lonely path I'm taking, and I don't really mind taking it on my own... done so for so long. I'm not really alone, though people I thought were my friends... well... aren't. I do have a couple of good ones out there... but still... I need to crawl into my cave, alone, to feel safe again from time to time. I no longer have the patience or tolerance for the false friendships, empty compliments, lies, and other negativity... so many are so easy to drop the term best friend all over the place... well, you can stop calling me that. I'm not that stupid and it kinda pisses me off that you think I am.

And anyway, I am Rogue Vegan. I can do this. What other choice do I have?

Blocked numbers and apologies that only make the apologizer feel better

Today has been... well, unique.
I was able to get in some yoga today, and after doing some kind of update on my phone I had a notification from the app I use to block calls and messages from... well, people I don't want to hear from. It was strangely filtering old messages I had received (it can also be used to view not blocked messages) yesterday and notifying me I had one that I already replied to. I opened the app to make sure all was ok... and yeah, it's fine. But (yeah, there's a but) I thought I had set it to automatically delete messages from blocked numbers. It didn't. There was a message from an ex, sent months ago, apologizing. Yes, that's right... apologizing (I seem to get this every year or so from whatever ex is trying to clear his conscious and finally realizes I was right when I said he was wrong). He apologized for not treating me right and not being able to recognize the love I had for him and so on. It was pretty sincere seeming, as far as a text can be, and did pull at a heart string or two (it was a total of 3 messages, sent consecutively). I don't remember the exact words, I deleted it immediately after reading.
Here's the kicker... I don't know who it is. I have an idea, and he called me "Kristin" instead of just Kris... so that narrows it down, I'm pretty sure I know who it was. But I no longer have the number saved in my phone, and don't want to. Regardless of who it is, I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. If it's who I think it is, I wouldn't mind snapping that neck . Otherwise, I'm feeling a bit... stoic (?) about it all. It doesn't make me feel better or worse about the situation. Actually... now that I think about it it kind of pisses me off that, if it's who I think it is, he could just apologize again and I'd be accepting and forgiving.
Eff that.
I'm not nor have I done either.
I've just moved on in life and feel bad for him and anyone else that has to deal with him and his bs. And I'm super happy that I never have to deal with him again. He's someone else's problem, and that is fine by me.

Life has been pretty weird for me lately, feeling stalled and held back but still treading water in a way... and I'm pretty tired. It's not worth it.
Especially not worth stressing over a stupid ex's half assed apology text.
So, to that ex... hope you feel better. Just don't try to talk to me in public, or contact me in any way again. Who knows? You might actually catch me in a neck snapping mood...